Monday, April 20, 2009

Oprah and the "Sex Toy" Scandal.;)

This weekend, my friend Donut (below) asked me if I watched the Oprah "Talk-to-Your-Kids-About-Sex" episode.

I told her no, I try to avoid Oprah at all costs, lest she haunt my dreams.

Donut gave me an instant replay, recapping the opinions of the show's panel of psychologists, who claim that statistics support that children whom were spoken to about sex at an early age (age appropriately), birth control and STD protection actually WAITED to have sex.

"Okay, I'm with ya," says Donut.

THEN, they went further and asked us as parents to consider buying sex toys for dealing with their sexual frustration...which is where they lost the Donut.

I haven't seen this episode, but if any of you have, clue me in if this is incorrect? (Or just chime in with an opinion.)

No, I'm sorry - I'm all for sex education and teaching my child coping skills, but some she develops on her own for self-reliance and quite frankly? Much like her homework, sexual frustration is HER responsibility, not mine.

My daughter is nearly 15 years old and she has the healthiest attitude about sex I've seen for a girl her age. Since age 5, she knew all the body parts by their correct names and I answered questions that I considered age appropriate. Her friends love me because they know that they can talk to me about anything and I won't freak out (but they also know I will lay down that law, when necessary).

They know, however, that I draw the boundary in that I won't discuss:

1) My personal sexual history in detail, other than what situations I regretted or remembered fondly, or how I felt about my first time (which actually was a beautiful experience; I was lucky, completely in love, well-protected and we were each other's first:) .

2) I don't give "how to" lessons, other than condoms and birth control, lol.

I have told her that sex is a natural inclination, a basic human need; however, it's a private behavior and doesn't need to be shared with everyone. Like bathroom time, there's no need to broadcast it to the world or wield it as a distasteful weapon.

I have also explained that her virginity is one of the few things in life she has complete control over; it's empowering, when life so often leaves us feeling so powerless, particularly as women - so why give up that power to just anybody?

I've also explained that pleasing HER is just as important as pleasing HIM.

Her father, the ultra-conservative, likes to pretend he didn't do the things he did when young, giving her an impossible standard to live up that he couldn't himself. He and I went round and round over giving her the Gardasil injection; his ignorant theory being that it will promote sex. His insurance will cover it completely; otherwise, I would have to pay out of pocket.

His girlfriend (whom I adore) explained it just as I had done: "Z, don't be an idiot....first of all, it takes years to work/build up immunity, which is why they get the shot so young. And even if she waits until marriage, you don't know where her husband has been...and what about rape? This is NOT about sex, this is about protecting her from cervical cancer!"

Finally, he consented, reluctantly.

Because of this attitude, Bubby refuses to talk to her father about sex or boys, which is sad, because I think she really NEEDS an honest male perspective.

So I guess it's me

Last year, she was forced to take the "Abstinence" course in school, which has been proven to be a failed program. The teacher became miffed when she pressured my daughter into signing "The Commitment" form to wait until marriage.

Bubby said..."I PLAN on waiting until marriage, but I don't know what I'll be like in five years....and I don't want to feel pressured into marriage too young, just because I want to have sex. I want to get married after college and that's an awfully long time to wait."

"Your whole point is that I shouldn't be pressured into doing things I'm not ready to commit to, without considering the alternatives, right? "

"However, I haven't heard all of the alternatives in this class, only abstinence. "

"So with all do respect, aren't YOU pressuring me to commit to something I'm not ready to to do, without considering all of the options?"

Being as this was done very respectfully, I supported her 100%.

I am pleased to report that recently, her boyfriend of four months broke up with her three days after she wouldn't "put out." She was devastated because he pulled the whole "I'm so in love with you, I want to marry you one day, I've never met anyone like you"...and Bubby really needed to feel adored by a male...all little girls need to be adored by their fathers, or they look for it all their lives.

I don't say what I'm thinking, which is, "Yes, Bubby, he's a nice kid, but like the mom says in Parenthood...they all say that, especially as teenagers...and then they cum."

However, if you ask her if getting him back was worth having sex with him and her response was:

"No, you were right; I should've taken it slow, I fell flat on my face the first time in love and now he's making a joke of me because I wouldn't go all the way after four months. "

"Though this hurts like hell, I'm GLAD I didn't give it up to that prick and that I found out what he's really like, or I would've regretted it all the more!"

Beautiful, Bubby...I am so proud of you.... you never cease to amaze me.


Shelly Rayedeane said...

If I had a child, I'd probably lock them in their room until they were 30.

And I wouldn't let them watch Oprah either.

It must be extremely difficult being a parent in this world today.

Southernspeak4 said...

Shell-bell - Well, her Dad practically does lock her away, when it's his nights with her.

If he found out about this guy, he'd have gotten out his huntin' buddies, lol. BTW,for those reading, Bubby's dad is NOT the psycho I married, we never married and are good friends.

I dunno, I think if you forbid the fruit entirely, it makes it that much sweeter to them. The more informed they are, the better choices they can make - to a degree. They still need to enjoy their childhood:)


Chrys- You sound like the heathiest mother alive.
I agree forced abstinence is as bad as sexuaal exploitation,and sex toys for teens? No,way!
It's hard for mother's to see their daughter's as sexual beings,so good for you that you allow her to 'own' her body.
Great post!

Spiky Zora Jones said... oldest boy will be 16 in the end of September. It's scary...I answered the phone and was talking to my son as it was for him. As I walked doen the hallway. I heard one gir ask the other girl...should I tell him I want to give him a blowjob? They giggled.

I didn't want to embarrass him. I gave him the phone and had a talk with him afterwards. My boy is tall at 6'2" 240 lbs and in great his dad. I know the girls chase him.

I called his dad and we both had a talk with him. He has a good head on his shoulders and understands what could happen...It scares him.

For now...

I'm glad you have a daughter that won't give in to pressure. Me too...I was glad I didn't give it up to some of those asswipes. What was I thinking even going out with some of those guys.

I like Bubby.

Ciao sweetie...thanks for coming by.

Southernspeak4 said...

Uberstein - thanks!

Ya know, despite the crappy marriage I dragged her through, being a mother is the onr thing I feel most confident with, it comes naturally to me and I enjoy it. Yeah, it WAS hard to see her as a sexual being at first and some days, still is - I just figure she has a right to her privacy and vice versa...and the best I could do was make sure she was prepared before she enters that realm.

Love ya, girl.:)

SZJ - Lol, WOW, bet THAT was a shocker. I can't believe that girls call boys like that, I would've never had the guts at that age...but the giggling about it proves their discomfort/innocence with it, doesn't it?

Good for your son, sounds like he's going in with a loving, supportive family. :)

I think waiting until the right first-time can make a world of difference in your attitude towards sex later in life...and they've proven waiting also results in increased, sustained libido.;) (Says the 40-year-old, who supposedly is at her sexual peak?)

Thanks for posting, love.



Isn't Spiky lovely?

Southernspeak4 said...

She is verrrry lovely. At first, I was intimidated by the extent of her sexual prowess, lol, but underneath it all, we're all the same;)

-eve- said...

wow, that's pretty cool.... I like your answer - that virginity is empowering, so why give it to just anyone... you taught her well! am glad she dealt so well with that problem - wish I'd done the same when it was my time... (As it is, yes, now I've found out too late what my ex was...sigh)

Southernspeak4 said...

Hey Dr. Eve (hey, we're close enough to calling you that;).

Ya know, you do your best, then hope for the best - the rest is up to them...and she's a remarkable child...not that I'm biased or anything.

Well, most days she's remarkable. She has a smart mouth...don't know WHERE she got that.;)

Lucky for me, we also have a remarkable pediatrician (female, of course). She's actually very religious and conservative, which helped on these issues with her father - and it was ultimately her explanation to him on the importance of Gardasil that convinced him.

And yup, we've all been there a time or two, doing things the wrong way - that's usually how we learn, natural consequences.

So many times I think she's brushing me off completely and rolling her eyes, but it's times like this you go, "OMG, she was really listening", lol.

I'll come visit you a bit later, if that's all right...thanks for your comment and welcome!


I only attract lovely women. Isn't that so bitches? :)

Southernspeak4 said...

At first I thought you wrote "I only attrack lovely women who are bitches," lol.

Again, not arguing with ya, lol, except perhaps present company with me.

Apparently you do, these ladies seem the more genuine, proud-to-be-smart, friendlier set than I've met previously.

I attract some, but sociopathic people love me too. I'm their confidante, life coach and PR person, not knowing that I was just feeding their attention-junkie habit and they considered me competition instead of a friend.

I view women as "sistahs," not competition. In fact, I think it's often WOMEN that hold each other back, rather than men (although they do their share).

Who needs both genders holding us down? I don't think so - celebrate each other.:)

ConverseMomma said...

I want to come to your house, sit at your feet, and learn all your secrets. Your daughter is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! You sure have raised her right. I want to do this for my daughter. I want her to be self-assured enough to wait until she knows it is right for her, safely.

Liara Covert said...

Learning to build self-confidence is a helpful tool. Maturity arises with different kinds of life experience. This is not about perceived age, but degrees of self-acceptance. Being physically ready to do something is not the same as feeling mentally ready. Every human being evolves at a pace that is right for him or her. In this light, different perspectives exist about the need for control over sexuality. Adults often impose value judgments or would like their kids to avoid making mistakes they believe they themselves made. Being open and supportive of a child's learning curve, permitting a child to make choices teaches responsibility. Not every parent feels comfortable talking to a child about sex. That sometimes reflects back on how comfortable the parent feels with his or her own sexuality.

Neale Donald Walsh brings up yet another view in his Conversations with God books. In essence, he refers to civilisations that do not limit or restrict sexuality of young people. In fact, these groups organize themselves such that the young procreate and the older, more mature generations raise the children. This would not appeal to everyone, but it makes a point that stifling natural instincts and denying unresolved fear is not necessarily the way to go. Options exist outside of one's comfort zone. All you need is to bravely explore different ways of seeing.

Southernspeak4 said...

Well there's that good momma I met the other day!

Oh believe me, I've made my share of fuckups. I think my only saving grace was taking responsibility for those, that's one of the most important things we can teach our children. Sometimes we don't want to hear the negative about ourselves/their feelings, but it's the most important thing to teach a child, relationships are give and take.

And as with any relationship, we're going to make mistakes - the best part is growing past them, yes?

Thanks for posting, K


Southernspeak4 said...

Hey Liara, welcome

I agree, I find myself making sure that my responses to her are not coming from a place of my own issues. And it happens at times, even to the best of us.

Interesting concept about the elders raising the children of the young. I've often said, I know I would be a much better parent if I had started now rather than earlier and I see that my parents are much better grandparents.

I almost wish I could do the Benjamin Bunton thing.

I often wonder what evolutionary function was served (besides having "fresh" reproductive organs) by emotionally immature humans raising children. Kind of like male nipples, nobody knows, lol.

Not sure about the encouraging gratifying sexual impulse thing. I am open to my daughter's sexual exploration, I just also want her to be safe and to make sure she's educated and knows what dangers are there...but also how great sex can be. But I think she deserves a certain amount of privacy, as do I. Good boundary lessons.:)

Welcome, thanks for your comment!

I'll come visit in a bit,