Monday, November 10, 2008

Come on, America, You're Better Than This: Stop Wasting Time Finger-Pointing and Just..Fix the Problems

While editing typos in the below post, I overheard a fight between a Dem and a I'd like to leave this final encouragement. :)

This country has become entirely too polarized on these issues and it's clear, neither "side" has all the answers; in fact, it will take a combination of ideas from BOTH parties to find the solution.

This is doing us a great disservice, and we're wasting valuable time playing the "blame-game" and pointing fingers instead of just...fixing the problems.

I've often said that the worst thing the terrorists ever did on 9/11 was shake our faith in this country and each other, dividing us...and we're helping them succeed...and a house divided against itself cannot stand.

Though it's no secret that I'm a fairly liberal Dem, unlike a lot of liberals that claim they are tolerant (but in actuality, refuse to listen to the other side), I actually LISTEN to other viewpoints and concede/agree with Republicans on several issues; one of them being the types of government involvement we allow and how much.

In my opinion, if we'd investigate already-existing government waste and misappropriation of tax funds, we could MORE than accommodate a (limited) health care system for the people of our country without having to raise taxes.

And from a more liberal standpoint, to those who say they don't feel that they should have to pay for others to have healthcare at all?

I say that with leadership comes not only prosperity, but social responsibility. If that doesn't happen due to corporate greed, the government NEEDS to step in.

Conservatives seem to have no problem financing setting up schools and healthcare for the people in Iraq...but they DO have a problem financing healthcare and schools for people in your own country? Hmm.

So what do you say to one of the 30,000 people (and former taxpayers) who just lost their jobs with a major corporation, here in town, due to downsizing or outsourcing, then get a new long-term temporary job with half the pay and no benefits?

"It's not our responsibility?"

Oh really? Whose responsibility is it, then, and what are these people supposed to do for healthcare at half their previous pay?

So much for "trickle-down" economics. Did the 11-billion-dollar profit-per-quarter the oil companies (in which Bush and Cheney were heavily invested) made over the last few years trickle down on us?

So how about this, America...start listening to the validity in points made from "the other side."

It doesn't have to be "either/or" or "black/white."

Can you shed the arrogance and your need to be right in order to fix what's broken?

How about we work harder TOGTHER to find a plan that is PARTIALLY government subsidized/socialized healthcare? Watching the mistakes other countries have made in implementation only puts us at an advantage: We can learn from their mistakes and do our best not to repeat them.;)

As for moral issues such as gay marriage and abortion, I'm sorry; though a (liberal) Christian (and a Theraveda Buddhist), nowhere in the bible did Jesus ever take away anyone's right to free will by law.

In fact, if we read the same bible (and I think we did), Jesus wasn't such a fan of convention, Jewish OR Roman law. He felt these laws were being abused by the greedy hypocrites to oppress the poor and powerless classes. In fact, Jesus' biggest problem was with hypocrites and the greedy; a point that has been completely lost on Christians today.

So if God gave us the right to free will, the right to choose his way or not...who are YOU to take it away?

We ALL have sinned and come short of the glory of God, all of us. So worry about your own "sin" instead of trying to control by law the "sin" of other people, especially if it doesn't affect you.

Take the log out of your own eye and stop snap-judging others so harshly without really knowing them (from either party)...and for God's sake, show some Christ-like compassion towards one another for a change.

Come on, America, you're better than this and we're wasting time. If we're ever going to heal and find a resolution to these problems, we have to:

1. Suck it up and quit bitching (especially without offering an alternative solution).

2. Stop playing the blame game/pointing fingers, it doesn't matter now.

3. Take responsibility for mistakes BOTH PARTIES made, as well as allowing certain members of both parties to be held accountable for unethical behavior.

4. Start listening to other points of view than our own.

5. Roll up our sleeves, work together, and just..FIX IT...Jaysoos.:)


Sunday, November 2, 2008

Epilogue: My 40th Birthday/First Tat: Vote Ladies! The Iron-Jawed Angel"

So, um, I'm turning 40...sigh.;) Hehehe, actually, I'm really happy about it, I'm just now hitting my stride in life... and I don't look so bad for my age...Cougar and all that I am...grrrrrrawwrrrrrr.

Kiiidddddinnnng. Though I have no shortage of younger men interested, I'm... not exactly cougar material.:)

So I've been asking everyone what to do for my 40th birthday in December. A small suare or a big bash on a Cincy riverboat cruise? Some said I should skydive/jump out of a plane; others said I should bungee-jump off of a bridge, adrenaline rush?

Um...I'm pretty sure the point is that I made it to 40 without anything catastrophic happening to me (, that's debatable, lol, but I survived) would I want to tempt fate, lol?

I decided to have a small get-together with closer friends, some of whom (the brave ones) are going to a tat parlor to get my first and only tat and their own piercings/tats, then get liquored up and bar-hop around Cincy in a limo with a sunroof...and then we shall randomly sex up whomever we choose and as many people as we choose, indiscriminately.

Okay, I made the last part up? Hehehe.

So what is the tattoo, you say?

After seeing the HBO movie "Iron-Jawed Angels," my friends and I decided that a conceptualized tattoo of this was a perfect representation of me. I've been looking at local artists to try to find someone who can conceptualize it before my birthday; so far, no luck. I may get the tat AFTER my birthday because I will wait to find someone who "gets it." If you haven't seen the movie, watch it and you'll get it.

"Iron-Jawed Angels" tells the story of Alice Paul, who, after Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Susan B. Anthony, gave the final push for the 19th amendment to the constitution; the right for women to vote and have a voice. These little itty-bitty women, barely 5 feet tall, standing outside the White House, holding banners with determined jaws, were likened by journalists to "Iron-Jawed Angels."

Before the amendment, meeting resistance from men AND women (who seemed to care more about their own political power than their cause), Alice Paul stood outside the White House and read President Wilson's own words regarding freedom and raising our voices, stirring up support for World War I.

Alice reads Wilson's words and loudly exclaims, "Freedom and raising our voices? I guess not if you're a woman..." and tears up his written words, throwing them into the fire.

Men began yelling and grabbing at the women and their banners, pummeling them to the ground, telling them to go home to their children, they were unpatriotic...and the women fought back.

The result was the little posse of iron-jawed angels, peaceably assembling in front of the White House, were carted off to prison on charges of "obstructing traffic" and inciting a riot, lol.

The men received no charges at all.

What a surprise.

When Alice breaks a window for fresh air for the prisoners and begins a hunger strike for their cause, she is sent to the insane asylum in solitary confinement. Word leaks out to the press that Alice has led the women in a hunger strike there and that the staff began brutally force-feeding her, so a male psychiatrist evaluates her. The result is she is cleared, the force-feeding stops, and he releases this statement regarding her:

"In women, courage is often mistaken for insanity."

The result is a public outcry, the women are released, Wilson does a 180, and the amendment is finally passed.:)

Why is it when Gandhi led a hunger strike to have a voice in government in his own country, he's a hero...but when Alice Paul does the same thing three years later, she's crazy? Nobody force-fed Gandhi. I'll tellyou why...because unfortunately in our society, in men, passion + frustration + bravery make a hero...but in women, passion + frustration + bravery are equated with insanity.

Things haven't changed much, except that women have learned to play this card to discredit and silence other women; however, the "gaslighting" card is misogynistic have always played the insanity card to discredit and silence women.;)

Where will the tat be? Between my hoo ha and my right hipbone, lol.

Why this tattoo? For memory's sake...because I don't fight causes or even stand up for anything anymore, I've had my share and failed miserably.

I finally realized that especially on the net, it really doesn't matter if you're telling 100% truth, how much factual evidence/proof you present, or how many loopholes you can find in the other's story/argument or logic, and it doesn't matter how calm you are..people will believe what they want to believe, especially on the net...the one with the penis always wins, internet OR real life (or the phoniest person/best pathological liar, male or female).

Otherwise, I don't even try to write at all anymore...but at one time, I sure as hell DID finally stand up for MYSELF instead of just defending other people...a few times in life now...and the iron-jawed angel will be there to mark it on my 40th birthday....nobody knowing she's there but me...and those whom I choose to show it too.;)

"Chrys" or Chrystal Smith/Southernspeak4...Iron-Jawed Angel of Blogger.;)

P.S. Election 2008: See "Iron-Jawed Angels" and VOTE, ladies...what those women endured for the right for YOU to have a voice!

I personally will vote this Tuesday against any political party that has consistently played on our worst national fear of terrorism by using fear tactics and smear campaigns to start wars and/or win elections.

"Obama: The change we need." I'm counting on it. Make us proud to be an American again...and for a change.

Chrys or Chrystal Smith/Southernspeak4

Monday, October 27, 2008

Witch Hunt: Salem 1692 and 2006-2008 on Blogger

This morning, I watched the movie "The Crucible" with Daniel-Day Lewis, Joan Allen, and Winona Ryder. The movie is based on the critically-acclaimed (and historically accurate) play by Arthur Miller, which chronicles the Salem Witch Trials in 1692, and from where we derive the term "witch hunt."

A shameful time in American history, the end result was that 19 innocent people were hanged for "sinful" acts that their accusers were actually guilty of dabbling in, desperately trying to throw suspicion off well as jealousy of the wives of some of the townsmen.

There was absolutely no legitimate or credible proof other than the attention-seeking hysterics, bad-acting, and the word-twisting smear-campaign of the girls involved, along with clearly fabricated evidence and the bullied-into emotional reactions of the victims.

As a result of this proofless "witch hunt," our justice system changed and this sort of thing never happened in America again; however, it DID happen to me (and several other people) in the lawless state that exists on the internet, beginning in 2006.

For me, this movie/play brought back with shocking clarity and familiarity the events which happened on Blogger from January 2006 to March of 2008.

In the end, there were at least 13 people, predominantly women, victimized...six of whom I spoke with personally shortly before leaving... all complaining of similar events...and all of whom were curiously holding the the same small group of IP addresses responsible.

Being as my right-clicked picture attached to fake blogs, yahoo emails, and other accounts/information were now being used to harass other people ( and after a final email warned me to stop blogging) ...I permanently left Blogger on March 28, 2008, to spare others further harassment. I have not touched this blog or email since that day until now.

The third email I had received in this manner since November 2005, this last email was sent by my own account, to myself...only I didn't send it.

The email was confirmed by an IT professional to contain a trojan virus/spyware...the calling card of a hacker.

No one would listen or believe me, and how could I prove it WASN'T me doing it?

It was much like those viruses in the 90s that sent themselves to everyone in your address book that contained porn and you couldn't convince people that you didn't send them, lol...even IT people (often arrogant, God-complex types of people, lol) said it wasn't possible back then....and now we know that not only was it possible...but it became commonplace.

No matter how safe it may feel in the comfort of your own home, the net is THAT dangerous. You reject/block the wrong person or blogging pod and they'll sick a bunch of trolls on you to smear campaign you off, lol. Wow, how desperate some are to hold onto their fantasy lives/false versions of who they are and their 15 minutes of fame...and the internet is the closest some will ever get to fame or an audience, isn't it?

It still amazes me how easily people are fooled and how susceptible they are to the power of suggestion, especially on the internet. Granted, the public at large IS stupid; however, in their defense, those responsible went to sociopathic levels to smear campaign me, afraid I'd tell a few secrets.

How? By right-clicking on my picture and attaching it to fake blogs and commenting crazy shit on other people's blogs, leaving bashing comments right behind me anywhere I'd post, using the FAKE blog with my picture to comment right behind me to create confusion, altering legitimate emails before forwarding them to others, signing my misspelled name to yahoo accounts that I didn't even possess, and finally hacking into my real email and blog accounts.

You...wanted to know. Sorry it sounds crazy, but...truth is stranger than fiction.

It amazes me that even though we all know the dangers on the internet...though we KNOW it's a haven for the unhealthy, hanging out here to avoid who they are in real life/real relationships...though we've read the news that the yahoo emails of someone as well protected as Sarah Palin can be hacked...we still like to believe we're safe because we're sitting in the comfort of our own homes or work.

Worse, when it DOES happen, we STILL blame the victim that he or she must've deserved if anyone deserves that.

My cyberstalking/cyberbullying was begun the same as in all cases of known and proven cases of a man who has now been found to hang out at support groups of vulnerable women (and met his wife this way)...and whose advances I had politely spurned online for years...and whom I finally blocked him after seven requests for naked photos, unequivocally and finally rejecting him in no uncertain terms.

He began contacting everyone from my blog with a false story that I had "borderline personality disorder" and had stalked HIM...which catapulted into an hysterical witch hunt. Suddenly, every little thing I did became some "symptom" of a diagnosis I didn't even have, lol.

He specifically targeted three women who were self-admittedly neurotic/mentally ill and who I had been the confidante of, two of whom were admittedly repeatedly jealous of the attention I was receiving on my blog that they felt they were more deserving of...and more importantly, all of whom I'd blocked after confronting them on private issues after they began to affect me adversely.

The rejected man teamed up with the three women and called upon known "net trolls" or an online fight club (that I was once asked to join and refused) to bully me off blogger, and everyone believed it without any they CREATED proof to justify it.;)

The Fight Club admitted there was no proof and didn't care....they just used the blog gossip to justify bullying people...much like a sociopath throwing a rock off of an overpass onto a freeway, they love to create chaos and finger-pointing fights, then stand back and watch the wreck, laughing.

In the end, those who made the initial accusations still refuse to show any remorse for their actions, refused to take any responsibility for the mass hysteria/chaos they created or that they altered emails, word-twisted and lied... even fabricated evidence completely.

They continued to shift blame and at the very most, blamed others for "influencing" their choices.

They finally claimed that the problem was a disagreement and a "matter of perspective" that I refused to listen to them.

Being I was their one-time confidante, they blamed my private confrontation of their very severe emotional issues to justify their behavior.

Ya know, it's interesting that any of you passive-aggressives that attacked me instead of trying to discuss things with me say that it's ME that wouldn't listen to YOU...

....because not a single one of you even TRIED to tell me directly, email OR blog, until AFTER I was attacked.

It was amazing how many people hopped onto the angry mob with a story, many of you I'd defended when attacked or bullied yourselves.

In fact, not even then. If I showed up even once to find out what the hell was going on, the who's and why's...the lot of you started screaming "stalker" and threatened to shut your blogs down or started posting with the fake ID of me to create confusion.

So no, this situation is NOT a matter of perspective....this was truth vs. lies...and there is no justification for your treatment of another human being like that under any circumstances...none.

In Salem, to this day, the epitaphs of the victims remain in the cemetary where their bodies were literally discarded...their last words proclaiming their innocence.

One reads: "God have mercy on me, I am wholly innocent of this wickedness..."

I still maintain my innocence and that I did nothing more than be your confidante and then confront a few of you, but only when your emotional problems began to affect ME adversely, repeatedly.

In the crucible, as the victims prepared to hang, the last words they uttered were these, the Lord's prayer in unison...

Our father who art in heaven...
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
Forgive us our trespasses, As we forgive those who have trespassed against us.
Lead us not into temptation, But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,and the power, and the glory...forever and ever...amen."

I forgive you...

Chrystal Smith/Southernspeak4

As for your claims of my mental illness, it can and always could be proven in a court of law that you are lying, as well as that I possess no other mental illness than a trauma reaction based on events in real life, verified by a psychologist with 31 years of experience, Yale graduate.

As for me, I have faith that they WILL be brought to justice, face the actual facts, and I WILL be vindicated. Thanks.:)

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Stuck in the Snow and Bush is "Waterboarding"...

I'm just stuck inside during a snowstorm and thought I'd write a snippet to mark my six-month anniversary today of moving here.

I'm looking out my big picture window and McKenna's tromping around in snow up to her knees, laughing about it, the little goofball, lol.

Would someone please remind God to hit the spring button? While you're at it, ask him to do something about Dubya.

So I'm looking at Little Bush on the news this morning, getting ready to VETO the "CIA Bill"...a bill which would legally ban inhumane interrogation methods by the miliary and CIA, such as "waterboarding."

Even his new best friend, Senator John McCain, has gone on record stating "waterboarding is pure torture." But we should know by now, Little Bush is determined...right or wrong, nobody messes with Little Bush while he's determined, lol.

FYI: "Waterboarding" is the military tactic of using "simulated drowning" to gain information from a terrorist suspect.

Um...would someone please explain what separates us from actual terrorists if we legally justify torturing other human beings under any circumstances?

What happens if a suspect is "waterboarded" and it's determined that they really don't know anything? Do they just go.."Oh, whups, dude, you're bad....sorry I tortured you for no reason."

Well, since you're already such a big fan of waterboarding, Little Bush, perhaps someone should waterboard YOU. I'm sure we'd gain a lot of useful information, and at least our time spent doing so wouldn't be a complete sham and an exercise in know, like your entire time spent in office and the Iraqi War.

As a interesting aside about Little Bush, I have to tell you that the psychologist treating me for PTSD attended Yale with Dubya; her brother-in-law is still personal friends with him. She says that if you had told her then that he would be president one day, she would've told you to quit hittin' acid and laughed her ass off at the very thought.

BUT...the good news is, Hillary took Ohio....wahooooo!:)

Come on, election 2008....I really don't care if it's Hillary OR Obama; in fact, having one with the other as their running mate would be the dynamic duo...whatever, just...oust out of power that embarrassment to American history AND his little croanies, get a national healthcare system in place without breaking our bank (I like Obama's limited healthcare system better), and take control of OUT-of-control corporate greed...i.e...gas prices and pharmaceuticals run amuck. In short, just..."get 'er done."

I...really hate that expression, but in this case it's actually appropriate.

Thank you, that is all.

Friday, February 15, 2008

My Valentine's Day Lovers....;)

Which do not include a date, but DO include a flamboyantly gay man, Bubby, Bubby's dad, and some good girlfriends.;)

All right, let's get THIS out of the way first. I promised I'd post this video for my "Will" because he's more of a woman than I ever thought of being. His sweety is in Boston and has to work.

Happy Valentine's Day, honey. :) However, I refuse to autoplay it; I'll just post it at the bottom and you can play it yourself, lol.

Okay, okay, I admit it;The Prayer/La Preghiera really IS a beautiful song, particularly the end is chill-giving, though it isn't the best recording....and it IS full of cheese.

For me, Valentine's this year ended up being unexpectedly one of the best I've ever had, but not for the usual reasons. I worked both jobs yesterday and had no date, BUT....I received more cards, candy, flowers, and hugs than I could ever want, everyone was in a great mood, nobody really got any work done...probably because of the chocolate.

You DO realize, chocolate produces the same neurochemical in your brain that makes you feel as though you're falling in love. Who needs love when you have an endless supply of free chocolate?

Not that I didn't have any men interested...the usual freak-magnet set. For instance, here's the line of one guy I waited on...

Me: "So how is everything, anything else I can get for you?"

Mr. Overly Practiced and Smooth: "Just your phone number, and we're perrrrfect."

Groan. Retch.

Then there was a guy alone, seemingly normal at first, but they always are. He had no wedding ring and admittedly had no kids, but said that he loved kids and wanted to have them one day...THEN he pulled out his credit card...WHICH CURIOUSLY HAD ALL OF THE DISNEY CHARACTERS ON IT.

What the....????

He said he just loved all things Disney; he was obsessed with Disney characters.

Either he's lying or he's just freakin'...weird.

That sort of thing is enough to make a woman do a permanent Kegel even the jaws of life couldn't open.

For whatever reason, my adopted "little sister," Brea, decided I needed two straws with hearts on the end of them in my pulled-back hair, so that I ended up looking like a geisha. Will said I looked more like Sacajewea and I needed more bling, so everyone decorated them throughout the evening with metallic candy wrappers. It still wasn't fab ENOUGH, however, for Will.

"Hey, Sacajewea...Lewis and Clark went that way. They said for you to lose the hair straws before they'd hang out with you again."

"No, Will-son, IIIIII am to become geeiisha...I dance for you" and proceeded to bow and do some bizarre version of Sayuri's "Memoirs of a Geisha" snow dance.

Will just...walked away, lol.

Hey, I had my mojo working, but it "just don't work on Will." I'm SURE it's because he's gay and of course not because of my enticing dance.;)

Two seconds later, he's back, laughing, hugging me, and saying, "You are not allowed to quit working here, ever, without my permission and until I quit...I love you."

Right back atcha, Will...mwahh. Chai Raspberry next time?



P.S...Bubby has a date to the V-Day dance tonight, wish her luck. He's a pretty good boy boy, I have to admit.:)

CHEESE VIDEO: I remember watching this performance at the Grammy's, they brought down the house. Some people sound crappy live, but they were in perfect harmony, perfect pitch; it really was a "legendary performance," as trite as that phrase is.

Chrystal Smith/Southernspeak4

Sunday, February 10, 2008

More Restaurant Stories...

From my weekend job...

I swear to God, I'm often tempted to just pull up a chair with some popcorn and watch the kitchen staff, especially when Sally is the window manager. She is normally the service manager, but they alternate to break the monotony.

She is hands down, one of the funniest women I think I've ever met. Making her even more interesting is that she's a sincerely good person, instead of using her wit as a weapon over other people unless she has to. (For a good Sally story, read a few posts down.)

She has a knack for motivating people...okay, perhaps blatantly threatening get things done, lol.

Last night, we didn't have a food runner, so it was a bit chaotic, but when ISN'T the restaurant business chaotic?

Every two minutes, she'd scream...."I need runners...RUNNERS ALL DAYYYY!!!! HOT food, people, out of my window NOW....don't make me punch you in the head, I'm serious...oh, how I'm serious....oh, I'll hurtcha...HURT..CHA!"

Then she turns towards the side, despite no one being there at all, and does some kinda weird ninja move that looks more like tai chi gone horribly awry.

ME: "Sally, I WILL run food for you, despite that.... weird karate kid move you did, just now."

Sally: "JP, Chrystal just said she never wanted to see my ninja moves, ever again, do YOU like them?"

JP rolled his eyes and walked away.

JP is our singing cook. He has no shyness problem whatsover. He will sing any song, any time, and people in the back of the restaurant can hear every word he's singing and saying. In fact, many regulars ASK to sit in the back so they can listen to JP's songs and general improv. However, don't ask JP for requests...he sings whatever he feels like singing...or not at all. You...don't want JP in a bad mood, trust me.

Last night was apparently some sort of 80's Rewind Night, because I swear to God, I think I heard every song played at my prom. Sam often chimes in on duets and back-ups, and their particular favorite last night, heard at least five times, was The Proclaimers "I'm Gonna Be, " complete with thick Scottish brogue. Check the video...Bubby's gonna flip when she gets home because, of course... Johnny's in it, hehehe.

(JP's solo): "When I wake UP, yeah, I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man whooh wakes up next to youah.

"When I goh oUWWT, yeah I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who goes along with youahh"

Music Video Codes by VideoCure

This sort of thing makes JP one of the most entertaining people I've ever met. He's getting his Master's degree in European history, and he's just applied to Oxford for his PhD...making him also one of the smartest people I've ever met.

The problem is, unlike Sally...he knows it.

He and New Hot Bar Manager got into a intellectual pissing contest through the window the other night, like Alpha males often do. I've...actually begun to take an active dislike to New Hot Bar Manager, as have most people. So their slight sparring competition went like this:

JP: "Yeah, I'm working in a restaurant next to you, despite graduating Magna cum Laude for FUN, assholes."

Hot Bar Manager: "Hey, a college degree isn't everything...look at me, I graduated with honors too, and I'm now a lofty bar manager."

JP: "Oh yeah? I'll be sure and remember that about you and everyone else here, when I'm at Oxford next year."

Which was overly shitty and sounded a bit superior. HNBM's face is turning bright red, now...he's...mad and trying NOT to go apeshit, like he usually does.

So despite my dislike for Hot New Bar Manager (and if given the choice, would choose JP over him for company any day), I decided that he had taken things too far; things were tense... so I decided to pop a pin in the overly large ego of JP, for the moment...hehehe.

"Really, JP, that's've been accepted, then?"

Everyone stops what they're doing, it's dead silent, lol. I'm wiping down counters casually, with my back to him. They slyly smile and look from me over to JP.

"Well..not yet, but I'm sure I will be, with my GPA and history."

Bar Manager looks at me and winks. I have on my innocent poker face, which I actually have a hard time doing, usually. Hehehe...ain't I a stinkah?

I decided to smooth it over with him too, so he knows it's just a brief humbling session for him, but I really do think it's cool.

"Well, when you go... will you at least take me with you?"

"Okay, I will."

He's always really polite with me, I'm not sure what that's about. This is a good thing because I'd never want to get into a verbal tete-a-tete with JP, he'd... kick my ass.

However, later, he's mouthing loudly about how 90% of the people working there are idiots. He reminds me, loudly, that I have not put an upcharge on adding bacon at least three times tonight.

Me: "Thanks for reminding me, JP...I'm sorry."

JP: "No seriously, you need to do that."

Me: "Okay, you're right, I'm sorry...thanks."

JP: "Upchargggeee on bacon."

Me: "JP...I GOT dis, thanks."

JP: "It really bugs me for you guys to be asking for stuff and then not ring it in later."

Me: (loudly now): "Yes, I can tell...once again, I'm sorry...and THANK you, JP...for showing me the err of my ways. I can honestly say that I am now a better person, because of you....thank you, from the bottom of my heart."

Bar Manager spits out his sweet tea and everyone is laughing.

JP raises and eyebrow at me and says, "You're...welcome."

What could he say? Probably a lot, but he didn't...thank God.

That man could shred me verbally within seconds. I could put up a good fight for a little while, but I'd go down in the second round, I'm pretty sure of it.

Otherwise, it was mostly an uneventful evening of truckloads of rednecks coming in from the outlying areas, having just received their tax refund checks; coming into to the big city to eat steak and Miller Lite drafts or Beam and coke and tip us approximately 8.6 thank God for some of the people I work with for the entertainment, or the evening would've been a total loss.

Chrystal Smith/Southernspeak4

Friday, February 8, 2008

Bubby and Bob Dole? ;) Why My Daughter Rocks The Universe...

I just have to give props to my daughter, McKenna, this morning, for being the complete goofball she is and making me laugh...every single day. :)

While taking her to school this morning, she told me this story about her, her dad, and her dad's new car. For those non-real-life readers, McKenna's father is Zack, who is NOT the ex-husband I've mentioned; Zack and I never married. We're very good friends, but we're too...different to ever get married.

Now don't get me wrong, I love the man dearly; he's very funny and does little voices, laughs easily at he just doesn't do "silly" or "absurd" very well.

For instance, she called him after watching MadTV at my house the other day, contorted her face, and said in a perfect "Antonia" lispy voice: "Hello. I have a cat named CC."

Her father said, "Really, McKenna. Did you fall unconscious recently?"

Here's the real antonia, so you can get the idea.

Anyway, her dad just bought a new BMW because he is always Mr. Stereotypical Blue-Blazered/khaki-pants-ed Republican, always about "status." I laugh at him on a regular basis for it. The only indication that he has a wild streak anymore is the left scap (shoulderblade) tattoo of a cloud and a lightning bolt with his fraternity letters on it, which I initially thought was an ice cream cone.

He bought this car in black, for some reason.

So McK decides to mess with him a little, and apparently she says to him, "Hey Dad...are you in the mafia? All my friends think you are because of your car. Dad... fess up, are you? "

"No, McKenna, I'm not in the mafia. Are you serious? DO people really think that???"

"Yep, dad, they do. In fact, everyone calls you 'Fat Tony."

"Wh-a-a? I'm...not fat."

"DAD...I'm J-O-K-I-N-G."


I don't know WHERE she gets that mischievous sense of humor, do you?;)

And ohhhhmigod, people, guess what? We've just finished her HIGH SCHOOL schedule for next year.


AAAAAKK! I'm pretty sure it was just yesterday I was holding her in "feety pajamas," pretending to chew on those chubby little toes to make her giggle.

Wasn't it just the other day that I had to chase her around the public pool, with her giggling like a-madwoman all the while, because she had completely disrobed from her Barbie bathing suit?

Wasn't it just last week that she and my former stepson shot my tampons as rockets into the toilet to watch them expand, leaving them there when my brother-in-law visited for the first time? (Luckily, I found this experiment in time.)

Now she will have completed high-school algebra and will be in Geometry already, as well as in Honors English and Honors Biology. Where did the time go?

I also laugh when I remember how bright we found out she was at such an early an age. Well, I guess we already knew, because she started talking at six months.

But about a year later, she began some bizarre fascination with Bob Dole that still defies explanation. I found THAT disturbing on so many levels, I can't tell you...I was horrified, lol.

You know what? I'm blaming her father.;)

Every time Bob came on the news, she was mesmerized. I seriously waved my hand in front of her face, but she was not to be deterred. She would wander around holding a newspaper with his picture on the front, it was just plain scary.

I was talking to her dad on the phone during a visit with him and told him to test her because he didn't believe me that she knew who he was and his name. So while on the phone with me, he pointed to a pic of Bob Dole in the paper and said, "McKenna...who is that?"

"Das BobDole."

His name was one word to her, bobdole.

"Heeyyyyy! That's right, honey, that's Bob Dole!!! All right! Who you gonna vote for?"


ME: "All right, now, that's enough, Repubic-man. Don't make me come over there and do a Dem Intervention."

"Hehehe. Hey Chrys?"


"Our daughter is a genius."

"I know, duh."

For years, for Christmases after that, her Auntie Kim and Uncle Matt gave her one Christmas gift that said, "To, Bob Dole" for our amusement. I think she really thought he was some eccentric uncle she'd never met that gave her treats at Christmas.

She doesn't believe me now that these things ever happened and flat out refuses to admit it, but I remind her that, guess what? We have video.

Gifted kids are weird, sometimes, what can I say. But everyone should have a Bubby, you should get one...except you can't have mine...I'm holding onto her a little while longer.:)

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

It's Lent/Ash Wednesday. Argh.

So I'm talking to my sister, Ruthie, today, trying to decide what I'm going to give up for Lent before Ash Wednesday service tonight, when I will get all ash-headed and reverent.

She has already decided to give up chocolate, which is a major thing for her. You don't understand...the girl actually makes satisfaction noises and is not to be disturbed while eating chocolate, so this is a very big deal.

Apparently, a coworker came up, while we were talking, with a chocolate cream pie and said, "Gee, Ruthie, wouldn't you lovvvee to have some?"

"You ARE the devil, you know...hey, shut up, or the pie goes in your face."

Did I...mention that she works as an admin at a church at present? Hehehe.

Like me, she too gave up her 60+ hours per week professional job as an advertising copywriter six months ago, when grandma took a turn for the worse; ready to step in for her turn if/when Mom gets exhausted.

A pretty cool and uncharacteristically noble thing for the previously spoiled family baby to do, she's grown up nicely...mostly...

Anyway, she gets all kinds of funky calls, working at a church, so it's very fun to prank call her with strange voices and stories and see how long it takes before she figures out it's me, hehehe.

So I thought about giving up cigarettes, but that's a bit too...stressful to tackle right now when things are finally settling down. Plus I've tried quitting before and I'm a real bitch when I do, and nobody wants THAT. I thought about giving up cursing and the word "fuck", but I did that last year and obviously it didn't hold.

So then I tried justification..."Hey Ruthie...isn't like...the whole point of Jesus' death supposed to be that he made that sacrifice so we didn't have to?"

"Nice try, Chrys, but it's about relating to his suffering, dumb ass."

"I think you should've given up calling me 'dumb ass' for Lent. Try not to think about your coworker's chocolate cream pie, there, shithead. I love you anyway, sissy."

"Love you too, sis...bye."

So Wednesdays are my day off, and of course, I get a terrible cold today. One of the reasons I decided to take one full day off of everything is because I need one day off from everything to AVOID getting sick, but apparently this strategy isn't working.

So I'm struggling to get lunch in with McKenna at school, pick up dictation tapes for that new doc as my third job one day a week, go to an appointment, clean my house and do laundry, and type some transcription today before services tonight...and I'm all cranky with a 100.2 fever.

I call K, MY church secretary, to find out what time the service is.

"K, what times are services today?"

"12 p.m. and 7"

"K, 12's no good, I have lunch with McK at school. I'll be there at 7, with bells on. I have no idea what that expression means, actually, and I better not wear bells, being as it IS lent and I'm supposed to be all..reverent."

"No, bells are more of an "epiphany" thing, you can wear them then."

"Hahaha! Excellent, I'm marking that down on my calendar...'Epiphany...wear exotic bells for no apparent reason."

"I'll call you and remind you to wear them."

So then I'm driving to my appointment, hacking away with a cough, grabbing quickly through a drive-thru, then eating, a Big Mac, dropping the "special sauce" on my jacket and cursing about it, when I come down the hill, around the bend, from the south side of the city.

Ever since I was a kid, this has always astounded this city just suddenly pops up from behind two hills once you round the bend, it literally catches your breath.

Today, however, was particularly awe-inspiring. The moment I rounded the bend, the sun came out, just briefly...after some pretty heavy-duty storms...and a very thick, very large rainbow rounded over the entire city, right over Carew was absolutely breathtaking.

I looked at the people in the cars to the left and the right...and we all were smiling at each other and pointing, kind of a "bonding with strangers" moment..."Can you see that? It's beautiful!!!"

I remembered my learned gift over the past few years of finding the slightest bit of joy out of the simplest things in life, which I learned at a time when there was virtually nothing left of my previous life and things in the city in which I lived were literally in tatters. I learned that immediately after Hurricane Ivan, in fact. The slightest thing can make me full of joy, the tiniest kindness from a learn to appreciate the small stuff and take time out to admire it. :)

So, methinks...

"Ooops....okay, God, okay....sorry about me getting all wrapped up in my own...crap today. That was a pretty amazing sight, master scientist, thank you...for allowing us all to see that today."

So guess what I'm giving up? Cursing, junk food...AND I'm cutting down on smoking...we'll see if it holds.;)

I didn't have a camera with me, but here's a good stand-in photo for the same effect...actually, I'd have to say the effect of coming around that bend and the rainbow over the entire city was actually better, but the cathedral in another city photo is a cool additive.

Time appropriately taken out, rainbow admired...back to the schedule now, shhh...;)

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Coming Soon To A Dinner Table Near You

During my little weekly password/email checks here at the library, I've decided to write some more about the people I've met in my secondary job at a restaurant, because they are decidedly infinitely more interesting than the people in my professional job.

Still writing here now and then is also my little "fuck you" to the boys in the BH (and the women that love them). I'm still here, I'm still writing...despite your bullshit.:)

So here we go, boys....with love...from your favorite "toy."

So I guess I passed my hazing initiation with flying colors because for whatever reason, all is well with the "head cheerleaders," their archnemeses, and everyone in me.:)

Perhaps it was because of the "Insight Into You" break room game I started, or perhaps they had a hormonal upswing fluctuation, who knows, but things are markedly improved around there.

Also, I just found out that I actually....kick ass as a server. I'm not sure why, I used to suck at serving years ago. I think it has something to do with becoming a mother and learning how to multi-task amongst chaos, lol. I'm particularly good when there are children at the table, the kiddies tend to love me.

However, there are still those days...

So after I take the order, which inexplicably takes 10 minutes, the Alpha female at the table whispers that there are two birthdays, could we sing, .and could we create a sampler of some of our appetizers as her entree.

I go to put in my order in the computer. Now, lol, the last thing anyone should've ever done is given me a keyboard for the prep part of ordering, upon which I can type in anything I want on the ticket going to the kitchen.

"Filet mignon, butterflied...medium well...will you go with me? Circle yes or no."

"Add lobster. ..who's your mommy?"

I go to pick up a Cobb salad and reserve it for mealtime, writing my name on a napkin and placing it with the other train of salads with names, which read:

"Katie. Jenny. Matt. Eric. Kill Whitey."

I chuckle to myself as I pick up glasses for iced teas.

"Behind you, with a knife!" .shouts Eric.

"Behind you" is the restaurant way of letting you know not to turn around quickly, to keep you from running into a tray and dropping whatever you or that person is holding, or impaling yourself on the steak knife.

I shout..."I NEED SINGERS, TABLE 43... IN 30!"

"Singers heard!" shouts back Sally, service/window manager tonight.

"Sally, can we make an appetizer sampler for high-maintenaince ho at table 43?"

"Argggh, I guess...okay."

Anthony, the bartender, breezes in for a salad.

"Chrys, ask Garrett about his wild night playing strip poker with some really hot chicks last night."

"Dohkay, since I AM all about hot chicks playing strip poker and I detect a note of sarcasm?"

"Just do it, you'll see."

"Sooo Garrett, what's this about you playing poker with some really hot chicks last night?"


"Wow. I'm really glad you two are enjoying this, but I still have no idea of what you're talking about...and am not sure I want to."

Garrett pulls out his cell phone. There is a picture of a 300-lb naked woman with something stuffed up her nose and two Bud Light bottles covering where her nipples should be.

"JESUS...I was...totally unprepared for that, I'll have nightmares. Wow, she's pretty sexy, I hope you got lucky."

"I...don't remember...AND...I have no explanation for that."

"Tinyyyyy...order up!"

"Tiny" is my nickname, except when James says it, it comes out "Tinnnnehhhhhhh."

"Thank you."

"Here you go, shithead" says Brent (pimp daddy from the story below).

"Thank you, ball-less wonder. Wait a minute...kay, I'm missing the sampler, and this is a Delmonico instead of a filet. SHIT, I forgot the lobster tail. I NEED A LOB ON THE FLY!"

James shouts, "You fucking idiots, I need a filet on the fly. And Chrystal, there's no such thing as a lob on the fly, it takes 15 minutes, lol. And what the hell, a sampler???"

"Oooopppps...sorrrryyyy....but I love you, madly? Sally, what about the sampler?"

"Oops, sorrrrrryyy...I'll get on the sampler" Sally grins sheepishly.

"It's cool, I'll stall and say it's because the ribeye is well done."

I turn to see Sally flapping her arms wildly like a chicken. She is speaking to the appetizer chef, Geraldo, who speaks virtually no English.

Sally: "No no...two PLATES of wings, two wings on the PLATE. Ya know...pollo (flaps her arms). DOS POLLO! On the plate."

Geraldo: "Ches, chicken have two wings...on plates."

Sally: "Oh Sweet Jesus, Ricardo? Please make him understand?"

I am now...doubled over laughing, though I will now receive a 5% tip, if that.

"Where the hell are those Delmonicos for 47? Sally...I...need a minute to smoke, this is chaotic"... says hot (and hotheaded) new bar manager, helping out in the kitchen.

Sally and I simultaneously look at each other and raise an eyebrow...MEN. They can't handle this kind of stress; as I said, we mothers are used to chaos and multitasking and it's no big deal.

"NO, GERALDO....TWO WINGS ON THE PLATE, NOT TWO PLATES OF WINGS!!! OMG, Chrystal...he's going to punch me, right in my face, and I don't blame him.

I am now peeing myself with laughter at this display.

"Chrystal, I'm not leaving this kitchen to that table to apologize until I have a lob, a filet, and the sampler" Sally says, grabbing onto the metal bar at the counter.

"Me neither. Let's chain ourselves in solidarity...(sings)... We Shall Overrrcomme."

"Tinehhh.....order UPPPP!"

Out we go, Sally kisses their asses.

Ten minutes later, it's birthday showtime, but everyone is too busy to sing.

"Sally, I'm trying to salvage any sort of tip whatsoever from this table and everyone's too busy to sing and there are two birthdays, can we NOT ruin these people's birthdays?"


So now fourteen singers, Sally, and myself approach the table, clapping.

"Ladies and gentlemen...may I have your attention please. Though Pam and Rick's friends and family would never even think of embarrassing them for their birthdays, their friends and family here at ____ have...absolutely no problem with that whatsoever. Please join me in singing the ____ birthday song."

And that three-ring circus would end up leaving me with?

Big smiles, no idea of what went into their meal (or what was initially omitted) and?

A $50 tip, thank you....:)

all's well that ends well.:)


As always, I'm posting/visiting nowhere else but here, so if you receive emails, visits, comments, or anything else that appears to be associated with me, my name, or picture (and you don't know me in real life to call me and verify or view my computer emails/visit history).... it's not me, and it never was...believe that or not...but how could I prove it anyway?

At this point, I pretty much know who was involved. Trying to investigate/figure out who kept doing these things for two years (and why) only became flipped around back on ME into "stalking" I would advise anyone else experiencing "issues" with this same group to be very careful.

Gain as much documentation as you can, but be prepared for the same response, if you're dealing with those from that posse.

If you have the money (and want the drama), I would advise letting professionals do your investigation for you....though cyber harrassment/stalking IS very difficult to prove.

Even if you have an IP address, you can't prove it was that person, at that computer, at that very moment...and the BH tend to use dynamic IPs.

So until next time, enjoy your dinners....we always do.:)

Friday, January 11, 2008

The Break Room Game...


Sometimes, all you need is a sophisticated gay man in your life; one like Carson Kressley, only better....and I think I've found him. :)

So I'm at the library returning books and researching something for a friend, thought I'd write this out for...well... me... and whoever...or WHATever might be reading. ;)

Through Christmas, I started waiting tables, Thursdays through Sunday, for extra money. Apparently, an already-existing "clique-war" that I walked into (without knowing the history of) turned into an explosion, three days before Christmas.

Server A was screaming at server B about taking her tables, Server C accused Server D of stealing tips...when I've noticed myself that the people most guilty of this ARE servers A and C...but many times, it's always the biggest accusers that think everyone else operates the way THEY do...but I told no one. I was surprised, however, when someone said this loudly in the break room.

The new servers, which included R and myself, ended up smoking nervously in that break room, in fact, lol, just trying to avoid the rest of them and taking sides...which is how we met. Actually, I think that two girls have control and kinda bully the other two, but these days, I stay out of that kinda thing unless it directly involves me...and they really WANT it to involve me, lol.

So I told him that I think this restaurant could use his testosterone for balance...use however much testosterone he had left and go out there immeeeediately and spread it around.

Don't get me wrong, though there's always drama, I've actually missed waiting tables. There's always a singing chef. There's always some sort of food fight after the most anal-retentive manager has left for the day. There's always a ridiculous birthday song that no one wants to sing, and if you are of the more mischievous set, changing a word or two of it into something else so that no one laugh at least 27 times per shift.

The particular saving grace for me is on Thursdays, when I work a full shift with R. He also has a professional job and just works a couple of serving shifts for extra cash, so we pretty much just roll our eyes and spend most of our time playing playing trivia games to the music overhead.

In fact, we're so tight, we've become like an inseparable team; our tables love us because we are becoming famous for our ongoing music trivia war. We drop whatever we're doing at our tables, point at the other across the room and shout:

"General Public...Tenderness"....Ohhhh yeah, I do believe I was first, thank you, I rock....that's two points for me."

For whatever reason, our customers love this....then we do air shots of imaginary Jaeger in the kitchen over it later for our amusement.

R is the intelligent, cultured, joyful type of gay man I haven't had in my life in a long time, since before I was married, and I've missed it. In fact, the last one I had, I helped bury in 1996 from AIDs.

R transferred here six months ago from Boston, educated in New Hampshire, owns a home with his partner of four years, loves to entertain and garden, and would rather build you up than tear you down in a catty way; he radiates character...and I adore the man.

I think it's no secret that I've become a bit jaded over the past two years after some events, but something he said reminded me of who I used to be.

So in the spirit of R and the wonderful character HE is, here's a portion of what I wrote and left in the break-room to try to smooth things over between warring parties...apparently, it was a hit:

Break-Room Game: Here's something to do besides smoke and complain about our coworkers.

"Who Am I"... AKA...."Reasons Not to Hurt My Coworkers."

If you CAN'T see these things about your coworkers (or yourself), you're not even trying. Try it, it works...for at least the next five minutes.


(P.S...I'm not on the list, by the way.)

  1. I will inexplicably break into song at any given moment, appropriate or not, to try to give us all a boost. Who am I?
  2. Despite my tough, goth appearance, I am the perfect example of NOT juding a book by its cover. I actually love people, have an open heart, and I enjoy getting to know you. I also just like to break the preconceived perception mold, based on my appearance. Who Am I?
  3. I have a lightning-fast wit and a high IQ, and I am generally the little stick of dynamite in the room Now, if I only realized that about myself. Who am I?
  4. I am definitely not afraid to use my outside voice indoors. I am learning that if I focus it in the right direction, I can move mountains. Who am I?
  5. I have a tough, no-nonsense approach to work. I keep you busy to keep drama and gossip to a minimum and YOU out of trouble.
  6. Once you get past the "playah" facade, I actually am a little sensitive...but don't spread that around. I am learning to value myself for my sense of humor and my intelligence rather than the number of women I can collect. Who am I?
  7. I am learning that it's okay to be pissed at times; it doesn't make me a bad person. In fact, it's often good for me AND them to say "no." Who am I?
  8. I'm a smart, tough-cookie workhorse, but I also have a heart of gold and a ready laugh. Whatever circumstances I am dealt, I STILL will never leave my coworkers holding the bag. Who am I?
  9. I'm goofy as hell, have a wit that won't quit, and I love to provide your entertainment; however, make no mistake - I have a "no tolerance for bullshit" policy and I'm not afraid to use it. Who am I?
  10. I am kind to everyone, sincerely. I also have an artist's eye and creativity to bring to the table. Who am I?
  11. Though I look like I could crush you like a walnut (and probably could), I'd rather motivate your ass to help me and make you laugh while doing it. Who am I?
  12. I exude joy and positivity. I would rather have coffee with you and build you up than throw fries at you and tear you down. I am the poster child of team player. Who am I?