Saturday, October 20, 2007

Kentucky Vs. Florida Vs. Zack's Alcohol Tolerance

Who do I root for...GAAAK! Actually, I...really...don't care...until basketball season...BUT... Zack just called me and told me to tell everyone that he and his friends are right behind the CBS cameras, they've already been on camera twice, and to tell McK to watch it.

I couldn't get the game here (or I am generally retarded and just can't find it), so I called him back to find out how, and it became abundantly clear that he had done quite a bit of "tailgaiting" already.

Zack: "Heyyy, how YOU doin', this is Biggggg Pappppaaa! "

ME: "*snort*...Yeah, well...hey there, Big Papa, this is Rubber Duck, what's your twenty?

For whatever reason, this sent him into a fit of Popeye laughter for about 5 minutes, followed by other CB-radio quotations, in barely intelligible fashion, from the 70's movie cult classic, "Convoy" and a loud Rebel Yell...

ME: WOW. Z, you are LIT, aren'tcha?

Zack: I tell you what....whew, but it's fucking awwwweeeesome.....YEAHHHHH! WOOOOOOOOO ... followed by yet another rebel yell, then complete silence, as he'd lost reception.


So if you see anyone looking remotely like the guy I had a picture of on here a few weeks ago, I don't know him....just some guy...not my daughter's father or anything...particularly if he does his "mosh-pit mock dance," which he only does when drunk. He thinks it's awesome, but everyone else? Not so much...and now on national television.... I'm... so proud... :)

I'm kidding, Z, you know we love you...and we know you rarely drink these days, so have fun, but don't drive.... and dude, remember...we're not as young as we used to be. Gone are the days of seeing who could do the most shots of Jaeger and drink the other under the table (which I always won, by the way...:)... back then I had freak tolerance....

...or Truth or Dare games run amuck that still come back to haunt me... STILL holding the record for acting the most retarded in a public place...for standing on my head atop a table in Darryl's restaurant, in a mini skirt, proclaiming to the restaurant first "May I have your attention please..."...and doing a Tarzan yell whilst on my head.

Sigh again

....after being dared, of course, y'all thinking I wouldn't because I was "Little Miss Appropriate."
I did that kind of thing in my days of yore idiocy, trying to prove I was as brave and wild as any man(or as stupid).

BUT....we're (ahem) grownups now, and for those times we're not, your daughter is sooooo not watching that and aww, too bad, she's at a Halloween Party and can't see it.:)

I have now told "everyone,"which you'll probably regret asking for later, but that's just too dang bad, this stays up. OHHOOHOOO yeah, it does. So don't vomit while the camera is on you or anything.;)

I... really can't stand football. They stop and start it every five minutes, measure something, and then talk about it for 20 more minutes...

But then I guess men feel very much the same way about our relationship talk...we stop it every five minutes to measure something, talk about it for the next several hours...

It's kinda the same thing...only both events usually end with us women sitting at home with a tub of ice cream and a great book....;)

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Pink Ribbons and "Breast Awareness Month";)..Tribute to An Unexpected Reunion With An Old Friend Today


Just a little unexpected tribute to an old, dear friend I surprisingly came across today, an unexpected reunion...(thank GOD, sometimes those turn out well, lol) of those "is this really a coincidence" and odd-timing sort of things I've I thought here was as good a place as any to pay tribute to her.

So after the loonnnnggg meeting, I walk into Macy's to get some Clinique...crap...and stop dead in my tracks. There, standing at the Clinique counter, is an old friend of mine that I worked with during my pregnancy and college years, who was like my surrogate mother....Judy.

In fact, corny as this sounds, I'm tearing up writing about that "reunion moment" and introducing her now to my 13-year-old daughter. :) I mean...what are the odds?

We both covered our mouths and gasped, cried and squealed and jumped up and down, like we stupid girls tend to do. We hugged and held both hands while we talked, and there was much oohing and awwing over McKenna, squeezing her within an inch of her life.

I knew Judy moved and then moved again, and I had lost touch with her. She looked EXACTLY the same.

This is the woman (along with the my other counter ho's) who viewed the developed ultrasound pictures with me before Zack did (at the time, a practicing alcoholic, out drunk at a bar somewhere, hitting on some ho) and threw me a surprise baby shower. She and Teder held my hand and kept me laughing throughout my rough pregnancy.

Seeing her was almost like...God smiling on me for moving here .:)

I worked there while in college; working there AND waiting tables for Chi Chi's. (I know, I know, shut up, it's ironic that a small-breasted woman worked as a cocktail waitress at a placed called Chi Chi's, but stay with me..try to focus.;) I didn't work there while pregnant, no, lol, just college and Clinique...(although while pregnant was the only time I actually HAD Chi Chi's.;)

That two-year-Clinique stint was, hands down, the most fun I've ever had on a job. It was like Designing Women; five very different personalities, but it somehow worked.

Small aside/tangent about"Designing Women"....Men will never understand how awesome that show was because they won't even watch it to find out, but it had some of the best comedic writing of all time, combining the quirks of Southern mannerisms with cutting edge politics during the Reagan era. The original cast was the best: Dixie Carter, Delta Burke, Annie Potts, and Jean Smart.

I just saw an Emmy-winning episode the other day...1986, I think?

Julia Sugarbaker (two syllables in the south.... it's "JEWL-yah")....has an uppity, country-club, southern-belle, stereotypical ultra-conservative over to visit while her gay friend with AIDS is there also (having just asked the women to organize/design his funeral). The upper-crust society of Atlanta had shunned him since his coming out. The woman publically insults him...loudly exclaiming that the reason he has AIDS is, as a point of fact, that God is punishing him for his sexual sin.

Julia asks her to leave, but nobody asks people to leave like the outspoken (but still well-mannered) Southern Belle, Dixie Carter:

"I'm so sorreh, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leavah? You see, I have a very dear guest in my home, who is welcome here with me at any time, and that you have just now rudely insulted? So from this moment fahwahd, it's YEW that is not welcome herah."

(Opens door for her....awww, shit...y'all done pissed Jewl-yah off, now)

"And let me tell you somethin' else..."Bitsy"...I've known you for a vehry, vehry, vehry, VEHRY lonnnnnnnnnng time...

... and if GAWWWD were handin' out puuuunishments for sexual impropriety? YEW would be at the head of THAT line, EVRY' time..."

(slams the door behind her)

You see...nobody puts people in their hypocritical, finger-pointing places better than a passionate, well-spoken Southern woman.;)

Our personal little cast was:

Bobbie-Gail, naive little country girl, Teder (nickname)/Laura, counter manager and peppy college cheerleader, Jen, young, suburban soccer mom, Judy, wise, witty older woman, Me...whatever I am. (Judy informed me today that I was the socially-conscious/artsy intellectual? Then there was Melody, the Ho...because, as I heard a comedian say once, there always has to be "the ho" in any group of women. :)

Though Melody came close, there were no "ditzes" in our group, Clinique didn't hire ditzes. It would ruin the whole "lab coat" effect.;)

Just like on Designing Women, we geniunely liked each other, and all openly wished we were a little more like the others in some way, and probably were, underneath it all.

Though there were the occasional "Ya know? You're really bugging the shit outta me right now" snips at each other, which passed very quickly, we were a fairly phony-free, more mature bunch, but we still found various ways to be the "Counter of Trouble." a good way, we were a lot of fun. Thus, everyone wanted to work at our counter, there was actually a waiting list.

A rarity with a bunch of women, but there really were no catfights. No backstabbing and no deep-seated, unadmitted jealousy. No passive-aggressive, blind-siding jabs. No boyfriend-stealing/merit-stealing competition and no gossipy vindictive, retaliative drama.

Just laughter, fun, support, and friendship, celebrating each other's accomplishments and genuinely happy to see our friend commended. We were truly a team.:)

Half of our fun was pulling pranks on other people because our department manager was never around, she was always in the stock room, drinking vodka-spiked coffee all day.

"Hey Tede, where's ML?"

"Yeah, she's um..."doing inventory" (wink wink, nudge nudge.)

Our favorite game was playing pranks on Teder; she was so OCD about the way our counter looked and kids messing up the samples. Funny, I always KNEW she was a secret nurturer (hellloooo, she's a cheerleader); because she now has four kids and is a stay-at-home mom.:)

I remember once, this little boy was running in circles, round and round the counter, which WAS pretty annoying, but I thought Teder would lose her mind over it. I was bored and needed a laugh. Well, it just so happened that I had some fake dog poo in my purse.
(Never mind, you don't want to know.)

So after he left, I left it in the middle of the floor behind the counter, just to mess with her a little.
Tede? OMG! Come here, look! That little boy came here behind the counter and look what he left behind!

"What...WHAT THE FUCK??? CHILDREN RUNNING FREE SHOULD BE ILLEGAL! Somebody call housekeeping!!!"

Judy and I soiled OURSELVES, watching her pinch her nose and poke at it with various objects herself (because everyone knew housekeeping took three years to get there, if ever) until finally she figured out it was fake.

"Chrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyystttallll! You bitch, hehehehe."

Too late...I was already halfway out of the store, gone to lunch... hehehehe....wicked, wicked, I am.

Judy is particularly gifted with people...she could say some of the craziest, most shocking, even insulting shit, and people would love her for it.

Once a priest passed by, and without shame, she said, "Hi Father! Why don'tcha come here and bless me and our new product?"

...and don't you know, he actually did?

"Um, Jude??? Are youuuu....Catholic...or... anything?"


She was full of stories about people she'd met or waited on, over the years, but the best Judy story I told McKenna just recently. The woman has NO shame. She used to bartend on the side to make extra money, had a ton of stories.

Apparently one day, some drunk asshole took one look at the small-breasted Judy and said, "Woman? Where the HELL are your tits?"

Judy, quick as a wink, said, "Sir, I'm sorry if my appearance displeases you...but I just had a double-mastectomy after breast cancer."

Hopefully by now with what I've told you about Judy, you DO realize.... she hadn't had a double-mastectomy OR breast cancer.

.....but that'll "learn 'em," hehehe.

That man left her a 100-dollar tip and sent her flowers every day for two weeks.

No shame, I told you...but he kinda deserved it.

Clinique was a pink-ribbon supporter back in the early days of breast cancer research, before people realized it was the number two killer of women, and before it was cool to wear those pink ribbons or people even knew what they were for.

During October, 5% of all Clinique sales went to Breast Cancer research, wayyy back when; so it was very much a part of our mindset.)

So new, in fact, that often when people would ask us what the pink ribbons were for, we'd often be in the middle of ringing them up and stumble out, "Breast Awareness Month."

Which, of course, was followed by fits of giggles from the counter ho's...."Yes...please be aware of my breasts, or the lack thereof, during the month of October."

So everyone?

On behalf of my old, good friend, Judy...during the month of October, please wear your pink ribbons and be aware of our breasts...or the lack thereof.;)