This weekend, my friend Donut (below) asked me if I watched the Oprah "Talk-to-Your-Kids-About-Sex" episode.
I told her no, I try to avoid Oprah at all costs, lest she haunt my dreams.
Donut gave me an instant replay, recapping the opinions of the show's panel of psychologists, who claim that statistics support that children whom were spoken to about sex at an early age (age appropriately), birth control and STD protection actually WAITED to have sex.
"Okay, I'm with ya," says Donut.
THEN, they went further and asked us as parents to consider buying sex toys for dealing with their sexual frustration...which is where they lost the Donut.
I haven't seen this episode, but if any of you have, clue me in if this is incorrect? (Or just chime in with an opinion.)
No, I'm sorry - I'm all for sex education and teaching my child coping skills, but some she develops on her own for self-reliance and quite frankly? Much like her homework, sexual frustration is HER responsibility, not mine.
My daughter is nearly 15 years old and she has the healthiest attitude about sex I've seen for a girl her age. Since age 5, she knew all the body parts by their correct names and I answered questions that I considered age appropriate. Her friends love me because they know that they can talk to me about anything and I won't freak out (but they also know I will lay down that law, when necessary).
They know, however, that I draw the boundary in that I won't discuss:
1) My personal sexual history in detail, other than what situations I regretted or remembered fondly, or how I felt about my first time (which actually was a beautiful experience; I was lucky, completely in love, well-protected and we were each other's first:) .
2) I don't give "how to" lessons, other than condoms and birth control, lol.
I have told her that sex is a natural inclination, a basic human need; however, it's a private behavior and doesn't need to be shared with everyone. Like bathroom time, there's no need to broadcast it to the world or wield it as a distasteful weapon.
I have also explained that her virginity is one of the few things in life she has complete control over; it's empowering, when life so often leaves us feeling so powerless, particularly as women - so why give up that power to just anybody?
I've also explained that pleasing HER is just as important as pleasing HIM.
Her father, the ultra-conservative, likes to pretend he didn't do the things he did when young, giving her an impossible standard to live up that he couldn't himself. He and I went round and round over giving her the Gardasil injection; his ignorant theory being that it will promote sex. His insurance will cover it completely; otherwise, I would have to pay out of pocket.
His girlfriend (whom I adore) explained it just as I had done: "Z, don't be an idiot....first of all, it takes years to work/build up immunity, which is why they get the shot so young. And even if she waits until marriage, you don't know where her husband has been...and what about rape? This is NOT about sex, this is about protecting her from cervical cancer!"
Finally, he consented, reluctantly.
Because of this attitude, Bubby refuses to talk to her father about sex or boys, which is sad, because I think she really NEEDS an honest male perspective.
So I guess it's me and....school.:(
Last year, she was forced to take the "Abstinence" course in school, which has been proven to be a failed program. The teacher became miffed when she pressured my daughter into signing "The Commitment" form to wait until marriage.
Bubby said..."I PLAN on waiting until marriage, but I don't know what I'll be like in five years....and I don't want to feel pressured into marriage too young, just because I want to have sex. I want to get married after college and that's an awfully long time to wait."
"Your whole point is that I shouldn't be pressured into doing things I'm not ready to commit to, without considering the alternatives, right? "
"However, I haven't heard all of the alternatives in this class, only abstinence. "
"So with all do respect, aren't YOU pressuring me to commit to something I'm not ready to to do, without considering all of the options?"
Being as this was done very respectfully, I supported her 100%.
I am pleased to report that recently, her boyfriend of four months broke up with her three days after she wouldn't "put out." She was devastated because he pulled the whole "I'm so in love with you, I want to marry you one day, I've never met anyone like you"...and Bubby really needed to feel adored by a male...all little girls need to be adored by their fathers, or they look for it all their lives.
I don't say what I'm thinking, which is, "Yes, Bubby, he's a nice kid, but like the mom says in Parenthood...they all say that, especially as teenagers...and then they cum."
However, if you ask her if getting him back was worth having sex with him and her response was:
"No, you were right; I should've taken it slow, I fell flat on my face the first time in love and now he's making a joke of me because I wouldn't go all the way after four months. "
"Though this hurts like hell, I'm GLAD I didn't give it up to that prick and that I found out what he's really like, or I would've regretted it all the more!"
Beautiful, Bubby...I am so proud of you.... you never cease to amaze me.