Shelly's Great Topic: Boundaries and Co-Dependency

I edited this post and republished it today, adding a P.S. at the bottom; thus, the takedown of the previous post on this subject.

Being as I wanted my very last comment while here to be in support of Ubermouth to prove that I have been and always would support and defend her, I'm leaving my take about the topic on Shelly's blog HERE instead.

At the bottom is a list of signs of "damaged boundaries."

The list is NOT for anyone to use to point fingers at others, it's a list to be used for self-examination, as our own behavior is the only thing we can control.

I've included a personal preface to drive home the importance of self-examination during or following any interaction.

I was initally a clinical social-work student, considered a whiz kid at insight into the human psyche. I had one year of therapy as a professional requirement and at the time, I realized I needed to get my own issues out of the way before I could help anyone else.

I got into Al-Anon and then further therapy later.

At the time, I was focused on my husband's drinking/drug behavior, refusing to focus on myself.

In therapy, however, I learned that I had PTSD, a depressive disorder (possibly environmentally-triggered), and codependency issues...and MY issues were the only thing I should spend my energy on and could control.

His behavior had given me an excuse to try to save someone else, which was a convenient distraction from working on my own issues. I'm ashamed to say now that it made me feel healthier that he was so fucked up.

However, if it was so bad, why wasn't I leaving? Because we don't keep doing things, even an abusive marriage, unless we're getting something out of it.

Many people wave co-dependency around like a victim banner, when nothing could be further from the truth. They blame all of their problems on the ill person or the user, thinking it makes them look like a long-suffering martyr and a saint to have to endure them.

In some cases, (one thing I DIDN'T do), when the user stops using or being dependent on their partner and begins to set healthier boundaries with them, the co-dependent partner feels lost and will put MORE stress on the user to "change back" by guilt trips, reminding the user of his issues or illness, simply because they need to feel needed and healthier and someone to blame.

The reason it's called co-dependency is that the partner has very similar issues to the user/ill person, only stronger coping skills. They often have trouble with boundaries themselves, but imagine themselves healthier because they aren't engaging in whatever behavior is considered the biggest problem. Not surprisingly, then, if someone changes in the dynamic, it's actually the user or admitted ill person themselves, not their partner, lol.

It is a common misconception that the weakest person in the dynamic or the "one with the problem" goes into therapy.

In fact, it's often the healthiest and bravest person involved that is even willing to take a look at themselves honestly, admit to and take responsibility for any behavior.

It's the ones running around that refuse to ever take a look at themselves, blaming others for their problems or things they had a choice in doing, that are often the most unhealthy.

Whatever the case, focusing on the other person's behavior entirely leaves us responsibility-less and trapped in a victim mentality, and as strong, intelligent, mentally healthy women, we know better than that. :)

Statistics have shown that victims of crime are often victims again as long as they stay in the victim mindset; the theory being that your mindset/attitude is drawing them to you and that predators can sense vulnerability coming off ya, they can smell ya a mile away, lol. In fact, it's not uncommon for abused women to fall into another abusive relationship, a rape or crime victim to experience a subsequent rape or be robbed again.

Why, because they love drama? No, because they're stuck in that vulnerable, victim mindset and feeling victimized is familiar to them; and if there ARE any predators in the room, they're gonna find you first.

Though there are times when we are truly innocent victims and people often do things to us out of their own issues, there are other things we need to take responsibility for our participation in; we need to at least at take a look at ourselves, what choices we made.

Realizing that we have the power of choice and that we carry responsibility in relationships doesn't make us "to blame," nor does it mean we deserve abuse or mistreatment.

And mistreating or abusing in return is never justified; you don't get to blame your choices in behavior on the other person.

As much as we want to blame solely one person, it still takes at least two, sometimes more in group dynamic situations.

If you choose to participate, you have to take responsibility for that choice regarding the type of communication you're engaging in and for engaging at all.

Realizing we carry responsibility in relationships does not mean we are the "one with the problem" and it is not shameful, it's empowering...because we realize we have the power of choice and we can UNCHOOSE whatever that behavior is or that we engaged at all.

Even if I'm robbed, such as I leave my wallet in the car, it doesn't mean I DESERVE what happened to me, but I DO need to take responsibilty for the fact that I left myself wide open for crime. This is the only thing we can control, what we learned and will do next time.

Many of us with great empathy are drawn towards being the caretaker in relationships (usually because we had to grow up quickly and take care of our parents) and/or caretaking professions, which is actually codependency in many cases. Sometimes we imagine ourselves helping others, when in fact, it's a fine line between caretaking and control.

True therapists, pastors, nurses, etc aren't supposed to instruct or advise; they hold up a mirror to you and let you figure it out for yourself, directing you in certain directions, but letting you sound it out yourself... lest you become dependent on them.

Many people are drawn to this profession because they need to feel needed and it gives them a sense of control in an often chaotic world to analyze everybody else, and an excuse not to focus on their own problems.

As much as they need to do this to feel in control, they are also curiously drawn towards dramatic relationships and professions. They don't usually create it, but they are drawn to it because it's familiar to them. Let me tell you, realizing THAT was a jagged little pill for me to swallow in therapy....which is why I didn't continue in that profession. ;)

The healthiest client is the one that does not allow themselves to become dependent and sets boundaries with a therapist and vice versa so this will not happen.

What are boundaries?

Most people that hide out on the net from real relationships and real life have no idea. They can recognize the lack of it in others, but refuse or are unable to see the same behavior in themselves. There is much hypocrisy on the net and little self-awareness...and as long as people are receiving public validation (enabling) the way they're behaving, they probably won't ever realize that.

But in fact, the mere fact that you are blogging about your life or what image you want to project publically and need public validation for shows us that, yup...you probably have at least a few boundary issues, lol.

It's cool, nobody had perfect parents and many people struggle with boundaries.

Boundaries are quite simply, each person in a relationship has the right to be a separate entity; where I stop and you begin.

The feelings of each person should be equally valued and though each should be sensitive to the needs of the other, no one should feel like they are walking on eggshells to please the other or need to keep changing behavior to make the other more comfortable. If you do,there's something wrong in the relationship dynamic and you both carry responsibility in that.

Boundaries are often misused.

They are not about teaching someone else how to behave or about boundaries without being asked, nor are they to shame someone else for not having learned them, weilding as a weapon of superiority; boundaries are about protecting ourselves from getting overly enmeshed in each others' problems and behaviors.

Here is the best list of signs of damaged boundaries I have seen yet...from Al-Anon.

**This is NOT an exercise in pointing the finger at what's wrong with others, this is asking you to evaluate YOURSELF.

1. Going against values or rights to please others.

2. Giving more than you get back or simply for the sake of giving.

3. Taking as much as you can take without regard for the others feelings.

4. Believing others can mindread or anticipate what you need without being told.

5. Expecting others to meet your need automatically, in exactly the way you think they should if they "really care about you." This includes guilt tripping, ultimatums, etc.

6. Expecting that others will meet your needs, even though they are neglecting their own to do so.

7. Falling apart so someone can take care of you.

8. Needing to feel needed, give advice without being asked, healthier or otherwise superior to someone else to feel comfortable in a relationship or good about yourself and in control.

9. Letting others define you.

10. Defining/analyzing others without doing the same to yourself.

11. Telling too much too soon.

12.Posturing; the inability to get vulnerable or be emotionally honest about what you ARE really feeling, out of fear.

12. Allowing others describe your reality to you or define you.

13. Describing others reality for them or defining THEM.

14. Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries.

15. Being unable to say "no" or stick to the "no" and handle the backlash of having d0ne so.

16. Not being able to ACCEPT the word "no," whether an explanation is given or not, without retaliating with guilt trips, coercion, pressure, abusive comments, etc.

17. Addictions such as drugs, alcohol, sex, the internet, spirituality etc.

18. Refusal to take responsibility for or be held acocuntable for choices or behavior at all or without excuses or blaming.

19. Taking on ALL the blame or responsibility in an interaction entirely.

20. Not placing boundaries when someone is doing any of the above behaviors and it affects YOU alone, no one else. ..and not placing boundaries or adhering to them is YOUR responsibility.

Brilliant, and so true. Most people do at least three to four things on this list, I know I do. Doesn't mean you're crazy, but you have work to do...we all do...we're a work in progress.:)

P.S: ....

C,

Just because I asked you to take a look at a some of the things that were said that were hurtful, after apologizing to you repeatedly for my misstep in an email (that truly had no malicious intent) several times already, does NOT mean I'm saying YOU'RE to blame.

It does NOT automatically mean that I'm going to do to you what others have done here.

Just because I didn't do everything the way you think I should does NOT mean I didn't care about your feelings.

I'm not going to agree with you on everything 100%; I don't have to and I won't be guilt-tripped, etc. into doing so.

We are two people that have stepped on each other's tripwires after both being the target of some assholes on the net and we need to recognize that fact, both of us, taking responsibility for bringing in baggage from those past issues that does not belong.

It's not entirely YOUR fault, nor is it entirely MY fault...we both fucked up, but all I can do is take responsibility for MY misstep and leave you with the rest.

After today, you will see that you WERE wrong about all of these sudden accusations and ulterior motives you think I have. You will see that I'm no longer in contact with anyone here, that I wasn't going to trash you, I'm not (nor was I ever) part of the fight club, I really do have a daughter, and this situation will NOT turn out like others have treated you here.

I really cannot be raked over the coals for what I DID say in that email anymore; there was no malicious intent and I have apologized and done my best to make amends; however, you are correct, it should not have been said.

I still appreciate what you did for me, nothing has changed, and I would defend you vehemently to this day.

However, I cannot continue to focus solely on MY behavior and what you think I'm doing wrong and why any further without being met halfway....that's not a fair friendship and in my real life AND on the net, I don't allow friendships like that anymore, I'm sorry.

I had the password on the email account I was speaking with you on changed by someone else so that I won't even know what it was and will not be even be tempted to engage in any of this further.

Doesn't mean I don't still love ya and won't remember you fondly, swear to God...I just can't take being accused any more of things I didn't do and ulterior motives I don't have for saying something in email regarding how easily trigger happy we BOTH were now, yourself included (though you don't want to admit it), ending it with..."but ya gotta love her anyway.":)

I was in hopes we could all help each other heal, but we ARE still too trigger happy, suspicious and defensive; it's not just me.:)

Take care,

Chrys

More of a Post-It Than a Post...

Ubes, as you know, I've decided to call it a day.. :)

This just isn't as much fun as it used to be....and you're right, I'm still too defensive and knee jerky here, lol.

Blogger has also become a huge mess of blog wars and retaliative bullshit, it's almost irreparable.

I'm just glad that I could post here for a few days (which I always should've had the right to do) without the Fight Club's delusions of grandeur and general psychosis...and the fact that I could post now was because of YOUR efforts, Ubes... and I will never forget it.:)

I think that's what people don't get about you - not only your tongue-in-cheek sense of humor, but that your intentions are always the best, despite their sometimes crappy presentation.

We don't always see eye-to-eye and that's okay with me. :)

I just read that anon's comment and left you my last comment everrrr upon seeing it, lol, so feel special.

See? Who still loves ya.;)

And Shelly, I'm putting the dang picture back up, lol....BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY. Clearly, I failed miserably, lol. There was no other ulterior motive than that. And I rewrote this post because I wanted to put this post-it note to you as well.

Let 'em see your sense of humor, Shelly, you're hilarious "in person." Plus you have a great laugh.:)

You know, everyone reading...if you're ever going to repair the mess that's been made of Blogger, you have to stop snap-judging and assuming the worst about each other, giving others the same benefit of the doubt you clearly expect for yourself.

If you want to know something, ask for clarification before jumping to conclusions...and if you make an accusation, you'd better have the proof to back it up...and not the impersonated/hacked/altered kind either. ;)

God forbid, you might be... *gasp*...wrong and/or misinterpreted someone's behavior.

And as Freud himself said...sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. ;)

That's what really bugged me about blogging; you're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Regardless of what you do or don't do; people think they know the history and the motivation behind every action you take and that they know how they could've handled things better, never having been in that situation.

And all too often, people project their own motivations onto the person or overly identify with them.

Blogging is a snapshot of a person's life at a single moment in time...no more, no less.

Please try to get over yourselves and not take yourselves so seriously, JEEZ, I thought I was bad, lol.

Was I ever THAT caught up in all that behind-the-scenes bullshit?

I guess I was, so no judgment here...but I don't WANT to be privy to those things now; who posted what and where and why and the history. I just wanted to do this for fun, getting feedback opinions and connectivity with people 'round the world. :)

It's just a blog, peeps, not your life...unless you let it become your life.

If you're going to stay, try bringing a little good-natured fun and humanity back to Blogger.:)

Oprah and the "Sex Toy" Scandal.;)

This weekend, my friend Donut (below) asked me if I watched the Oprah "Talk-to-Your-Kids-About-Sex" episode.

I told her no, I try to avoid Oprah at all costs, lest she haunt my dreams.

Donut gave me an instant replay, recapping the opinions of the show's panel of psychologists, who claim that statistics support that children whom were spoken to about sex at an early age (age appropriately), birth control and STD protection actually WAITED to have sex.

"Okay, I'm with ya," says Donut.

THEN, they went further and asked us as parents to consider buying sex toys for dealing with their sexual frustration...which is where they lost the Donut.

I haven't seen this episode, but if any of you have, clue me in if this is incorrect? (Or just chime in with an opinion.)

No, I'm sorry - I'm all for sex education and teaching my child coping skills, but some she develops on her own for self-reliance and quite frankly? Much like her homework, sexual frustration is HER responsibility, not mine.

My daughter is nearly 15 years old and she has the healthiest attitude about sex I've seen for a girl her age. Since age 5, she knew all the body parts by their correct names and I answered questions that I considered age appropriate. Her friends love me because they know that they can talk to me about anything and I won't freak out (but they also know I will lay down that law, when necessary).

They know, however, that I draw the boundary in that I won't discuss:

1) My personal sexual history in detail, other than what situations I regretted or remembered fondly, or how I felt about my first time (which actually was a beautiful experience; I was lucky, completely in love, well-protected and we were each other's first:) .

2) I don't give "how to" lessons, other than condoms and birth control, lol.

I have told her that sex is a natural inclination, a basic human need; however, it's a private behavior and doesn't need to be shared with everyone. Like bathroom time, there's no need to broadcast it to the world or wield it as a distasteful weapon.

I have also explained that her virginity is one of the few things in life she has complete control over; it's empowering, when life so often leaves us feeling so powerless, particularly as women - so why give up that power to just anybody?

I've also explained that pleasing HER is just as important as pleasing HIM.

Her father, the ultra-conservative, likes to pretend he didn't do the things he did when young, giving her an impossible standard to live up that he couldn't himself. He and I went round and round over giving her the Gardasil injection; his ignorant theory being that it will promote sex. His insurance will cover it completely; otherwise, I would have to pay out of pocket.

His girlfriend (whom I adore) explained it just as I had done: "Z, don't be an idiot....first of all, it takes years to work/build up immunity, which is why they get the shot so young. And even if she waits until marriage, you don't know where her husband has been...and what about rape? This is NOT about sex, this is about protecting her from cervical cancer!"

Finally, he consented, reluctantly.

Because of this attitude, Bubby refuses to talk to her father about sex or boys, which is sad, because I think she really NEEDS an honest male perspective.

So I guess it's me and....school.:(

Last year, she was forced to take the "Abstinence" course in school, which has been proven to be a failed program. The teacher became miffed when she pressured my daughter into signing "The Commitment" form to wait until marriage.

Bubby said..."I PLAN on waiting until marriage, but I don't know what I'll be like in five years....and I don't want to feel pressured into marriage too young, just because I want to have sex. I want to get married after college and that's an awfully long time to wait."

"Your whole point is that I shouldn't be pressured into doing things I'm not ready to commit to, without considering the alternatives, right? "

"However, I haven't heard all of the alternatives in this class, only abstinence. "

"So with all do respect, aren't YOU pressuring me to commit to something I'm not ready to to do, without considering all of the options?"

Being as this was done very respectfully, I supported her 100%.

I am pleased to report that recently, her boyfriend of four months broke up with her three days after she wouldn't "put out." She was devastated because he pulled the whole "I'm so in love with you, I want to marry you one day, I've never met anyone like you"...and Bubby really needed to feel adored by a male...all little girls need to be adored by their fathers, or they look for it all their lives.

I don't say what I'm thinking, which is, "Yes, Bubby, he's a nice kid, but like the mom says in Parenthood...they all say that, especially as teenagers...and then they cum."

However, if you ask her if getting him back was worth having sex with him and her response was:

"No, you were right; I should've taken it slow, I fell flat on my face the first time in love and now he's making a joke of me because I wouldn't go all the way after four months. "

"Though this hurts like hell, I'm GLAD I didn't give it up to that prick and that I found out what he's really like, or I would've regretted it all the more!"

Beautiful, Bubby...I am so proud of you.... you never cease to amaze me.

My Friend, The Donut

If you put the friends that I've allowed close to me (since moving here) in a room together, you'd probably scratch your head and say... "Um...and these people have WHAT in common, exactly?"

In fact, they'd probably ask themselves the same question...but talk to them for an hour, you'll see it. I don't care about your class, your wealth, or your education; your skin color, religion or sexual preference, or who or what you date and drive.

If you have a sense of humor, you can can converse about a subject without getting distracted by shiny objects in the room, you can shoot straight instead of sugar-coating, and if you are virtually without hypocrisy or harsh judgment of others? You're in.:)

If you had asked me in college if I would ever be close friends with a Southern Republican woman, I would've choked on my Ramen noodles and Milwaukee's Best and asked you to stop hitting the crack pipe (or if I had been?).

However, either because she and I take a more moderate stance or because we find common ground on women's equality issues and anti-racism/bigotry, we seem to make it work.

Donut's a drop-dead gorgeous woman, a former beauty queen from Arkansas, but make no mistake; her daddy was a lawyer and I often think she missed her calling. However, with her warm, hospitable demeanor and gift for diplomacy, her careers of travel agent/customer service management (as well as part-time teacher and full-time mom) are perfectly suited.

Don't ever forget,however, you ARE dealing with a Southern woman....and nobody can put you in your place like a well-spoken Southern woman. ;)

There are essentially two kinds of Southern women:

1. The passive-aggressive, manipulative Southern Belles that smile in your face and call you "honey" (but pour something in your coffee later).

2. The "We opened up our home and world to you, but now you done pissed off a Southern gal...you'd best hide" type. Colorful straight-shooters; we are akin to some African-American women in that way.

And never forget the Southern-woman rules:

1. If we START a sentence with "Honey...?"... it means that you are somewhere between mildly irritating us to encroaching on "you'd better run now" territory, depending upon our tone.

2. If we END a sentence with a "honey" (or it's anywhere else in the sentence than the very beginning), we are being sincerely empathetic (or phony, depending on if you are Type A or Type B Southern woman.;)

Donut and I are...definitely the latter, Type B Southern gals.

She's doesn't realize this, but she's also an gifted writer, whom I try to encourage and I hope will give us a sample....except on those occasions when she wants to write hate mail to Obama, lol.

Donut reads the letter she wrote and says, "So what do you think, is this too inflammatory?"

I tell her it's not, but I doubt he'll read it anyway.

"What if I end it with - KISS MY ROSEY RED ASS, will he read THAT? Is THAT inflammatory?" HAHAHAHA. (Donut has the best laugh, you have to laugh with her, she thoroughly enjoys laughing.)

"Um? That'll probably get you sitting next to John Hinkley in a prison cell, yeah."

"Well, I've already written my congressmen and I guess I just make myself feel better if I send it, I don't care. This shit with the mortgages and AIG is a mess and there's not any regulation to the aid they're receiving, no followup and the mortgage rules are to stringent to help anyone.

However, the site says not to send anything 'inflammatory' and no personal items such as pictures, fruit, etc."

I ask, "Hahahaha! Fruit? And I wonder what the "etc." is? Can you imagine what some wingnuts must send? They need to have a list to specify: 'Please do not send us undergarments, clean or dirty, no vegetation, badly-written poetry or Anthrax. Thank you, Your First Family."

If it hadn't been for the patient, onwavering support over the last year from My Donut, I don't know where I'd be...I probably WOULD have gone crazy.

She's another one of those "doesn't get back as much as she gives" types, like me....not that we do it for that reason. Here's a post dedicated to her, in the hopes that she knows how much she is appreciated.


Chrys/Southern

Okay, taking a deep breath and....opening up the comments (moderated).

Donut will be on later this weekend, maybe Emilio, Ruthie, Kit-Cat and some others, but quite honestly, after what happened to me, they're a little scared to do more than read; well that, and they just think blogging is stupid, lol.

Oh, and you guys may remember my BF from Florida, Amber (uzikitty)...she'll be on eventually too...but right now she is PLANNING HER WEDDING....YAY FOR THE AMBIE!!

For Ubermouth, Shelly, and Others Affected by the Fight Club: Remember Copernicus:)

Dedicated to Ubermouth, Shelly, Paula, Steph, Kevin and many others (even though long gone).

Before I get to the story that I hope will provide a bit of comfort, I have this last word of advice for Shelly: Don’t overthink it, honey…your first instincts were correct, as our first instincts usually are. You were right the first time; I was a whistleblower.

Someone named Paula tried to tell me some friends of ours considered themselves "internet hit men" that a rejected or jealous/competitive person could call upon to bully a person off the net.

I, too, thought she'd gone crazy and didn't believe her, dismissed it; especially the people she was claiming were involved…until one was called on ME.

When you saw through the original impersonations of me and posted about it publically they attacked YOU – which how they started with me.

If you mention them publically, particularly their real names, they WILL attack you, gaslight you, smear campaign around that you are crazy to discredit you, impersonate you and hack into your accounts.

Long ago, the last post I put on my now deleted blog was the story of Copernicus. In fact, whenever I'd delete my blog or move url's trying to move past this shit, Brian and the Fight Club would take over the old url, often leaving a reference to this particular post....which is very telling.... ;)

The legend of Copernicus…

Copernicus was often a hothead, but a brilliant scientist; a very sane, logical man. He discovered with a crude telescope (invented by Galileo) that the earth moved around the sun rather than vice versa.

Well, to publically say so was considered heresy at that time, by people that believed in mystical causes for events and were afraid to really take a look at how things actually were; they saw what they wanted to see, fully subscribing to the church's leaders and philosophy without question; so they scoffed at Copernicus and believed him insane.

As a result, Copernicus and his colleagues were brought to trial (being that there was no separation of church and state). In fact, they received death threats for their friends and family until every single one of them recanted, save Copernicus.

Copernicus was the last to take the stand. After watching his friends and colleagues abandon him out of fear (or mob rule), he too signed the contract recanting his previous stance that the earth moved around the sun...to spare his friends and family further persecution.

Though he held the scientific evidence right in his hand, no one would listen, as it threatened the power of the church for anyone to believe anything other than was spoon-fed to them.

It is rumored, however, that even as he signed the papers, he then looked down at the ground, sighed, and whispered "…and yet, it moves…."

As we now know (and Kepler received initial credit for discovering), the earth does indeed move around the sun.


*Sigh*.....And yet it moves, ladies…and it always will. ;)


I am exactly who I seem, btw, including a non-photoshopped picture, weighing in at 107 pounds.

I have a razor-sharp wit and a high IQ, but sometimes I knowingly let my compassion and my hope that people will do the right thing, outweigh that intellect.

Despite being disappointed nearly ever time, particularly here with people who develop 20 characters and act contrary to character when they feel anonymous, I cannot change that fact about myself and I won't....I'm proud of my ability to empathize with human beings, even on the net...which is why I didn't belong here.

The only real protection we have against that sort of "evil" in this world is to resist hatred and bitterness; don't let anyone steal your joy and hope; lest we become just like them or those that call upon them. :)

When my equipment arrives, you may see me show up from time to time, making sure things are okay for you...but I probably won't comment.

Just smile to yourselves and know that in particular, YOU, Ubermouth, made a difference in someone's life....which was originally my goal on the internet before I was attacked. As you know, I was a confidante for many people.:)

The sad thing is that I never would've blown that whistle, had they not attacked me.

You are beautiful, C....and I wish, like you, that I still believed in Karma or God; but I still will not give up my integrity, my values or my empathy, even if I get hurt in the process, because it's simply the right thing to do...which seems to escape so many these days.

Carry on, darlings, and remember...NEVER STOOP to their level...you're better women than that!


Chrystal Smith/Southernspeak4

Amber, Donna, Kit-Cat, Emilio (mentioned here previously)....I love you.:)

Emilio, My Crazy-Ass Hemi-Venezuelan Lovah ;) ;)

;)

Just kiddin', ladies, he's just a really good friend.

Thanks to you, Mio, for reassuring Ubes and Shel. (He attempted to post exactly one anonymous comment on Uber's blog and signed it on Saturday afternoon.)

In your honor, I've constructed a post, which I'm writing from McK's dad's house while he's out of town. Hey, I figure that since I'm watering his plants ( and, ya know, gave birth to his offspring) the least he can do is let me use the 'puter for a few minutes.

So I was trying to think of some really good dirt on you...erm...I mean funny anecdotes to tell, DESPITE you telling me today that my personality is exactly like Rachel on Friends (I...guess that's a compliment?).

Even though you could discuss any subject from cartoons to Kafke, guess what sprung to mind first about you?

You, Dean, and Chander demonstrating the proper way to do an "ass check."

I have no idea of how this subject came up, but I think it had something to do with Brandy and I trying to figure out how to check for a wedding ring without being too obvious, and I'm even worse at checking out asses and...elsewhere. I always get caught, then I have to act like I'm looking at the floor for some imaginary object I've dropped.

So then the three of you proceeded to display your own signature "ass check."

Dean (the long-lost Jonas brother) has a quick shy "down-and-to-the-left" flash approach, Chander does a "linger-for-a-moment-with-a-slight-smile-because-I-almost want-to-get-caught" slide-down, and you do an all out "Yeah-I'm-totally-checking-out-your-ass-and-I-like-what-I-see," then look directly into your eyes.

Emilio doesn't look AT you, though, ladies, he looks THROUGH you...he's totally got the dark brown, soulful, mysterious Zorro eye-thing goin' on.

My fondest memory, however, is our favorite past-time; making our coworkers scratch their heads about what the hell we think is so funny. I swear to God, we could writhe and convulse on the floor in a fit of laugher and they would just step over us and go, "Oh them? That's just Chrystal and Emilio bein' all weird again."

For instance, the time that Donny Osmond, the argyle-vest-wearing weasel got on you for sales that day at Christmas (when we're already on people overload that day). I asked you what was wrong and you said you were fine, but this is how you feel about people right now....

You proceeded to play "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" by Drowing Pool at top volume on the I-phone, drowning out poor cheery-sounding Perry Como and the canned Christmas music. Donny O. yells a quizzical..."Emilio?".... and we turned around to be met by all seven coworkers and six customers, staring at us blankly and blinking twice...and I'm pretty sure I heard crickets.

You just giggled a "hehehe" and walked away. I'm pretty sure I peed myself.

Despite how "different" you sometimes feel, you were the favorite; nobody could wait until you arrived. People actually checked the schedule to find out and asked each other when you came in. And never forget what I told you that day you let it get you down, you thought you had an attention problem you needed to get checked because of the little slump.

I said, "Yes, you DO have a problem. Your IQ is higher than all of the people in this room put together, this job doesn't challenge you enough, you're more about quality customer service/retaining customers rather than a quick sell, and yet you think YOU have something wrong with YOU. "

"Nope, find something more challenging to do in your spare time to keep yourself from getting bored HERE and sometimes these people aren't going to get you...but they all love you. There, that'll be 120 bucks."

So true, puddin'...and don't forget it on bad days...I love ya.:)

Chrystal

P.S. - Ask Nicole about the jeans, she'll tell you. There's something between "Hello, look at my penis" skinny jeans and your usual "See if you can tell if I even have a penis" relaxed fit, phat baggies. By the way....you passed the ass check... it defies gravity.;)

P.S.S....If anyone has any questions about what REALLY happened and/or to verify my version of events, please call me or Dr. Mary Kelley at 859-431-3052. There's no bipolar disorder, no personality disorder - only PTSD from real-life events and then what happened here. Sorry you felt the need to project your sociopathic behavior onto me because I found out what a few of you were really up to and blew the whistle.;)